KILL Em!!!! . . . with kindness :)

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. As I lay there in the darkness, willing myself back to sleep, my mind decided to traitorously stay awake, whilst replaying the many times I was a bad mommy and yelled at my kids that day. It had been one of those days where the children had developed a selective deafness that only seemed to tune out my voice. Where no amount of asking nicely, begging, warning, or pleading could get through the apparent fog that would blot out my voice and prevent it from meeting with their tympanic membranes. For some reason, the only time they could hear me was when I screamed at the top of my voice and adopted my "angry eyes". It was NOT a good day with the monkeys. In fact, there have been way too many Not Good days around here.

I was filled with sadness as I thought of all the times I yelled and how those words were so counter-productive. It wasn't deafness, it was self-defense. Maybe if I hadn't yelled so much to begin with, they would be more receptive to my voice? I thought of how wounded they must feel to have someone who is supposed to love you most yell at you all day. I put myself in their little shoes and began to consider how much it hurts when someone I love is mad at me. I tend to curl in on myself and slap up a big wall of self-defense. I get angry. I know I did something stupid. I already dislike myself for it and don't need someone I love pointing it out to me. I just want that person to remember (and to remind me) that I'm a good person. That, even if I did something so stupid that I would have had to have the intelligence of a rock, that that's not really me. I basically want to know that I'm a good person and that I just made a mistake, but that it doesn't affect my goodness or a smartness or love-able-ness.

Isn't that basically what my kids want? Don't they already know they did something wrong? Does my screaming fix anything or just make them erect their own wall of self-defense? Doesn't it just make them lash back while they're desperately wanting to know that I still love them, that they're good people who just made a mistake? Wouldn't I be much more effective if I talked to them about it in a loving way?

I began to see how everything has been spiraling out of control and how this has become a vicious cycle of me being overwhelmed, yelling at them to stop a bad behavior, they come away wounded from the encounter and shut down to prevent further hurt, then when I approach them again, they've lost respect for me and they're less receptive . . . I end up overwhelmed again . . . hence the yelling. It's sick. I started to pray. Pray for forgiveness and the strength to change. I prayed for inspiration and more love for these little people. I don't want to see them as a burden or the hard things in my life. They should be the greatest source of joy. They deserve to be treated like the amazing little people they are.

I thought about what I want most when I'm feeling wounded and out of control. The answer was . . . a hug, a kind word, an affirmation that I'm okay and still loved. Hence my new motto. Are you ready for this? IF THEY'RE HAVING A HARD TIME, GIVE 'EM A HUG!! I just kept playing it over and over in my mind. "If they're having a hard time, give 'em a hug!" Sounds simple right?

I got up the next morning, tired, but full of hope for a better day, more love for these little people, and more determination to fix the damage I'd slowly but surely been doing. Zoe was the first awake and by her surly demeanor, it was obvious she was up too early. Everytime she began to shriek, I hugged her (even when my tired, adrenally-taxed, thyroid-dead body wanted to strangle her). Jonah woke up all smiles (something I realized I don't see very often, probably because he's always expecting a berating--who would want to get up for that?). I pulled him in my lap and gave him a big hug, which multiplied his grin and my determination. I told him I knew I hadn't been a very nice mommy and that I was so sorry for ever yelling at him. That he was a good kid who deserved much better and that I was determined to be better for him. I told him I had a project and asked him if he'd like to join with me. He eagerly agreed and mission Kill 'Em With Kindness was born.

The rules are this . . .

• If someone is having a hard time, we give them a hug (Jonah ammended that tickles -or beatings as we often refer to them--work really well too).
  

• When we can't physically give them a hug (such as when we are at the kitchen table and should not be popping out of our chairs a million times) we will "Say a hug." Meaning, we think of something we like about that person and we tell them.
  

(I keep thinking about the part on The Incredibles where Bob and Helen Parr are running through the jungle. She's ticked at him and isn't hiding it. He says, "You keep trying to pick a fight, but I'm just so happy you're still alive!" It's hard to stay mad at someone when they can only say good things back!)

• Pray for that person.

• If we hurt someone, we apologize fast.
  

Simple right? In theory yes, but not always in practice. It's still not easy. Some moments my mantra is "You love this person, you don't want to kill them! You love this person, you don't want to kill them!" I'm still feeling overwhelmed all too often and Evil Mom slips out with her angry eyes and mean words. But I'm getting better at lasso-ing the wench and forcing her back in the bullpen. Hugs are more abundant, including kind words and tickles. It is SO not easy sometimes. But it is definitely worth it. I'm starting to see these times when my kids are out of control and choosing to do something that I can't stand as an opportunity to prove how much I love them. The times when the hubby gets on my nerves the most is an opportunity to show him love and build him up. When I'm in the right frame of mind, I'm not surrounded with annoyances and intrusions anymore, just opportunities to prove to these people that even when they are acting to most un-loveable, I still adore them and that they are good people who are just having a hard time. I'm beginning to recognize how many opportunities I have to build loving memories with the people I love the most. I want them to remember that when they were having a hard time, mom was always ready with a hug and reassurance. So there you have it . . . I'm gonna kill them! . . . With kindness!