Things I'll never understand:

• How such an immensely loud bellow can come out of Zoe's itty-bitty body.

• why, upon seeing a kleenex approach her nose, the baby promptly turns and wipes her boogery nose ON MY SHOULDER!

• How, when I say, "I have to go to the bathroom real quick, BE GOOD!" it comes across to my children's ears as "let the the floodgates of hades open up! Welcome all demons from the depths! Fight/shove/scream/gouge/bite each other. All rules are null and void until I come back."
  

• How the turning of the lock on the bathroom door sends out subliminal messages to my children that say "stop what you're doing! Go pound on the bathroom door! You need ________ RIGHT NOW! Whine and cry like your life is coming to an end until that door is open!" When they hear the click signaling the door has been unlocked, does that release them from the evil spell, hence those angelic smiles that appear the second the door opened?
  

• Why Jonah, the boy who is always STAAARRRVVVINNGG (especially when asked to do an unpleasant task "but I'm too hungry!") takes an ETERNITY!!!!!! to eat his meals. Seriously, the boy ages faster than he eats! Molasses could take a lesson from him!
  

• my children's fascination with the drawstrings on my sweats. Do you like to see a full moon? Stop the madness!!! For that matter, my belt is not a rock climbing toe-hold miss Zoe. Please leave mom's dignity and pants around her waist and not south of the border!
  

• Aiden's Sponge-bob nudie-pants phase. I know you can get dressed by yourself little mister! Do you just enjoy hearing me bellow "Aiden get dressed!" a million times? Do you get some kind of prize if I say it over 200 times a day? Going for the guiness book of world records are we? Or are those new spiderman undroos just to stellar to cover up? Clue me in here.
  

• Where all these dirty dishes keep coming from. Didn't I just wash you? I swear they multiply like bunnies! How is it that it takes me hours to clean the kitchen and nanoseconds to UNDO all the sweatshop-type labor?
  

• Where all of my time goes. Did somebody mess with my watch again? Is there a black hole somewhere in my house? Is my Time holding clandestine meetings somewhere with my Sanity, my Money, and my Mind? Cause those are mysteriously absent too. Didn't we just get up? How is it time for lunch already? Didn't I just drop Kolbi off at school? How is it 3 o'clock already and why does my house look like I haven't done a thing all day?
  

• Why my children feel it is their mission in life to make a huge mess in whatever room I am not currently trying to clean up? "Mom's in the kitchen cleaning up, let's hit the bedrooms with tornado-force destruction! Mom's cleaning the bathroom, the living room is up for grabs!"
  

• How my children can squander those brain cells I (so generously I might add) donated to them upon childbirth. I'd give anything to have them back, how can they mean so little to my children? For the love of Pete, why don't they use them????? (P.s. I do love you grandpa Pete!)

This is just a small list, more to come, I promise!!!